WHO: Rodion & everyone
WHAT: Late 2024 Catchall Log
WHERE: Various Locations depending on the happenings during the months
WHEN: Late October to End of December
WARNINGS: General, blank warning for mentions/talk on dark subjects. Headers will be marked according if things develop in that direction.
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Not currently. [ she'd had drinks with aventurine, and went stargazing with elysium, but that was it. ] I don't know. I've got a lot to think about. I'm still waiting for LILITH to make the official announcement.
[ since she's sure that they will at least acknowledge the lives that were lost, right? unless if they're function just like any other wing in the City who don't care what happens to their workers. ]
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Yeah. I think they'll make one once they wrapped up on the other big problems... We haven't had any Outsider deaths until now so something gotta get said. Lot happened so there is a lot on their plate.
[The blood shortage, the cure for the Outsiders that turned into bloodfiends, the children that LILITH chose to take back with them instead of leaving them in a destroyed homeland... She sits up on her desk, letting out a few hums as she muses over her thoughts.]
Once everyone is recovered and got some time to process everything, maybe a good ol' get-together would fix some spirits. [A pause.] Something better than nothing.
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[ she huddles her knees closer to her chest. the thought of it immediately repulses her, thinking that other people might ask her questions about it. ]
I don't know if I should attend. I'll just ruin the mood for everyone.
[ like how she's already ruining the mood of their impromptu sleepover. ugh. ]
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[People need some time... Ishmael might need more time to process. The heart is a complicated thing.]
Remember that hot springs night with the other girls? That was fun.
[Throwing the first example out that comes to mind, unaware that it might hit something wrong.]
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lowkey, she shouldn't. rodion was only helping. but the thought of being brought along because she's being pitied is going to inevitably rub at her the wrong way at some point. ]
And what? You guys are just going to talk about crushes and relationships while I sit in the corner doing fuck-all. At least you people still have boyfriends who are still alive to talk about.
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[Talking about relationships may be part of the small talk, but it's not the main focus. Not everyone has to be part of everything during a party, people can do multiple things at once.
She really did tick something in Ishmael without intending to, so she hopes she navigate out of this storm.]
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[ she scratches her head in sheer irritation. why she's more pissed off at rodya than usual, she doesn't know. but she can kind of pinpoint where her annoyance may have come from. ]
Everyone's been pitying me since that happened. I know they are. And I wish they'd just let me move on instead of looking at me like I'm some abandoned puppy in the rain. I'm sick of it.
[ all the things she's been mulling over in her room for days are finally coming out like a deluge. she wishes she could stop it, but it's too late. or rather, she can't stay pent-up for too long. ]
You can go talk about Yuwon with others for all I care. You... [ she shouldn't say this, she should keep her fucking mouth shut and let this moodswing ride itself out -- ] You don't even know if you love him.
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"You don't even know if you love him."
Like that. Something inside of her cracks.]
... the hell you are bringing him up for?
[This isn't a brush off or Rodya attempting to either endure the tidal wave or navigate away from it. There is a lot that she would say on the first part of Ishmael's rant, but something... really hit her harder than normal. Her gaze is empty yet sharp as she looks at Ishmael.]
Who named you the know-it-all on my feelings? You read a pamphlet about me or something? I don't even talk about him a lot to you, but to assume that I don't love him... Seriously?
[They do not have a normal, average relationship. They haven't said those words to each other, but there is still feelings there and nobody can say otherwise.]
What do you want me to do here? Do you want me to break up with him and join you in misery? Not happening. Just because you lost your boyfriend doesn't mean you should wish everyone else to go through what you did.
[This is going to make things worse between them, a rift that may never mend. She reached this point and now she's committed.]
You didn't just lose a lover, Ishmael. The rest of us lost a great friend. He was loved by many, not just you.
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but she's had enough. she needed a place to vent, and while she knows it's wrong, her emotions -- particularly her pent-up anger and despair churning together into some fucked-up cocktail -- take precedent before rational thought. she stands up from the bed, casting rodion a dark look. ]
You think I don't know all that? I do, Rodion. Better than anyone else. But...
[ but the flow doesn't stop here. ]
You didn't answer my question. If you can give me one, I'll shut up and go to sleep and forget this all happened.
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A moment of stinging cold silence and stilness is broken by her arm raising to point towards her door.]
Out.
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...I see. So that's your answer.
[ and it's unsatisfactory as hell.
and with that, she stands up and shows herself out the door. she's got nothing to say to that. ]
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A minute passes right after Ishmael walked out and closed the door before she simply sinks to the floor, letting this whole series of events sink deep into her. Her gaze becomes empty and numb as she pulls her legs towards her chest.
She should have said something, but would it really matter? Would Ishmael accept it or would she make the air worse? Should she have held back from expressing completely? She let out her fears and sorrow to Ishmael back then, but anger is another story. She's upset because she felt her feelings were questioned as if they are invalid unless they meet the approval of the eyes of others. Nobody wants to deal with a cold person and yet she is tired. So, so tired of trying to give a source of warmth to others yet her efforts give her little to no reward.
Opening her heart up is a mistake after all.]